Get off my fucking couch.
Pretentious, legs rent open and lips so bloated
that you sound dumb, you are dumb.
It seems to burn and bubble where you stroke my face,
dirt and sickened simplicity tints your tongue,
[I hate your taste]
Obesity plasters my cushions, so gather those
condensed plastic tears that litter my floor
in the form of beer cans and magazines
and sweep out of my life –
You’re my one night stand that never
got off of his back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Brilliant. Strong. Emotional... in a distant way. At least in the way I read it. To me, this is an awesome example of great, high-quality poetry. Amazing.
Wow...I like the tone of this. It really sounds like you were pissed-off when you wrote it.
Very good, gummy! I'm such a big fan of your strong use of language (when I can understand it lol
). This one makes us really loathe the guy. Misty covered what I wanted to say, so I won't repeat it. Personally, I've never been one for using profanity, but it's your choice. It does convey a very strong image.
Wow.
You really started off this poem strong, and it stayed strong throughout. The use of profanity when, at times can seem to strong, was extremely effective here.
Errrr...Pretentious is a really good word, but "legs rent open" is questionable. why rent? I'm not even sure if that word is applicable here. Bloated lips, eh? It's a good word, but it also turns the reader off a lot. To the character you write of, sure. But just, in general as well.
The first line is brilliant, it puts into words what a lot of people probably feel, eloquently so. Dirt on the tongue, eh? Well allllright. Sickened simplicity=god-gorgeous.
Obesity=nasty. So why would she hook up w. him in the first place. Plastic tears? HOT analogy.
Lastly, the title. Love handles. God, you really want us to hate this guy? You might have gone too far with his grotesqueness, it isn't believable. But on the whole, a good poem. Kudos.
I thought you got the meaning across very well in this poem.